For the Sake of Our Partners

BY RALPH BLUM

I'm not usually a fan of statistics, but I was pleased to discover that although the American Cancer Society estimates in 2015, there will be approximately 220,800 new cases of prostate cancer in the U.S., more than 2.9 million men who have been diagnosed with the disease at some point are still alive today. So if your partner is one of the 220,800, take heart: In most cases, prostate cancer is not nearly as scary as it sounds.

However, when you first heard the diagnosis, "prostate cancer,"  you no doubt experienced a tidal wave of emotions. And at the same time you were trying to get a handle on your own fears, you wanted to support and try to reassure your partner. It's a tough act to balance, and it's only too easy to contain or ignore your own feelings and needs.

Often it seems that men are more intimidated than women about health problems, and when you are first given the bad news, you may find it is up to you to ask the pointed questions in the doctor's office, while your partner sits there in apparent--usually temporary-- shock. Also men are conditioned not to talk about their fears and anxieties, and you may fall into the trap of struggling to remain upbeat while hiding your own fears from him.

It's natural for both of you to fear how the cancer could change your lives, how it might affect your relationship, especially your intimate relationship. Your partner is likely to be fearful that a treatment that might be his best chance of eradicating the cancer would also have the highest chance of leaving him impotent.  Although most men don't subscribe to the idea that they are exclusively the products of their hormones, the degree to which sexual function returns--or fails to return--after prostate cancer treatment, is a matter of serious concern to them all.

So while it's helpful to be as positive as you can, it's equally important to talk openly about intimacy issues. Perhaps point out that sex isn't just about erections. And let him know that your main concern is his survival, and that what both of you need now is emotional closeness.

Let your partner know that you need to help him in any way you can--that helping him will make you feel better. One way you can do this is by learning everything you can about prostate cancer and the various treatments, so that you can discuss them knowledgably with him as he decides his best treatment option.  Hopefully, his best option will be Active Surveillance. If not, you can help by driving him to treatments, picking up his medications at the pharmacy, and by keeping track of all his test results, X-rays and medical records--so that if he wants to get a second opinion (and he should!), he will have a folder with everything he needs to take with him.

 

Having said all that, it is vital that you don't neglect your own health or give up your own life and center everything around your partner and the cancer. Take time out from thinking and talking about the disease and enjoy activities you have always liked doing together. Remember: the statistics are on your side, so don't let your lives be held hostage to prostate cancer!

CHECK OUT PCRI 2015 PROSTATE CANCER CONFERENCE - PATIENTS & PARTNERS WELCOME! http://pcri.org/2015conference/
 

So How Are You Doing Otherwise?

BY RALPH BLUM

At times, over these past decades, I have heard myself say, almost flippantly, about the chronic form of prostate cancer that I, and most men with the disease are dealing with, “Don’t worry—we’re going to die with it, not from it.” But in the meantime?

I almost had a bad fall last night. Barely recovered in time.  I notice I am increasingly wobbly. Unsteady. I lose my balance and barely recover to avoid what might have been a serious fall. Suddenly the world is full of sharp edges and uneven paths. What to do?

I know the rules about exercise. But my body, heading for 82, is noticeably less trustworthy than it was even a year ago. And because my knees and arms are not capable of their former range of exercise (stationary bike, yes, walking and treadmill, no) I can feel the constant ache and low-grade pain as my muscles proceed to atrophy. And while I know there is “armchair yoga,” it isn’t that easy to find a class, and I am less than enthusiastic to try it, so for now I am yoga-less. What to do?

My moaning is muffled. It could be so much worse!  has become one of my mantras, almost a prayer of thanks. I have one old friend, Jack, whose pacemaker, following a stroke, has helped his heart outlive his brain. His loving wife and friend of 43 years, Muriel, is still his aide and comforter, helping him to the toilet, changing his diaper, getting him back comfortably onto the couch, but, but . . .

Anton Chekhov, who died of tuberculosis in 1904, wrote: “Whenever there is someone in a family who has long been ill, and hopelessly ill, there come painful moments when all timidly, secretly, at the bottom of their hearts, long for his death.” The truth is, secretly, and at the bottom of her heart, Muriel would hope for that pacemaker in Jack’s chest to fail.

Which brings me to the troubling issue of American Medical Overdoing. All the advances are functioning to keep Jack functioning. Why? Because they can. Because someone is making money off stents, pacemakers, airport  defibrillators, 911 emergency assistance, insurance that pays for hugely expensive specialists. I can only tell you that Muriel, who has seen too many close friends losing control of their lives and slowly dying, keeps a copy of the Hemlock Society’s Final Exit, underlined in red, on her desk.

The problem is—and it’s the result of medical advances—the number of us who survive health crises that previously would have killed us, is growing rapidly. The eldest of us are the nation’s most rapidly growing age group. And, God help us, nearly one third of all Americans over 85 have some degree of dementia. At least half of them need someone’s help with daily, life-sustaining activities.

What makes my life worth living? Being able to peck out my thoughts on my Mac. Being able to share my thoughts with others who, I hope, will appreciate them. Being able to reach out to friends. To be of some small service to others who find themselves “in the same boat.” And maybe most important, not be too alarmed by death or its not so clandestine approach. As someone put it, “Nobody is really in charge except the marketplace.” And we wait for the bio-ethicists to have some impact on the opposite of over-kill. Maybe “over save-gate?” When does a life cease to be a life, and become a prolonged and agonizing dying? Sick enough to never get better? When indeed?

Prostate cancer and I have been working allies for almost a quarter of a century. Working my way through the thickets of fear and health concerns, having a black belt prostate oncologist, Dr. Mark Scholz as my guide, has left me far more conscious of health maintenance and wise options. I have to confess I am in some ways a healthier and happier man from living all these years with my cancerous prostate.